Yesterday someone I hate texted me. When I realized who it was it was as if my memories were brand new, but since I was alone I began to spit fire into the air instead of directly at that person. I refuse to even deal with them and never respond to texts or answer calls. I’m too proud to change my number to avoid someone completely so unwanted communication is something I have to deal with from time to time. After the air around me cooled down I asked myself, “Self, what must I do to prevent the memory of this person from affecting me so deeply?” And almost immediately my Self told me “You must forgive.” My lips pressed together to make that sharp airy sound that usually precedes the phrase “Chile please!” And then a clear and shocking realization came to mind but it’s so true and I accept it.
I’m in love with this hate.
Now unless you purposefully put yourself in or are forced into a position to be abused, it is rare that you’ll get the opportunity to be done as dirty as this person did me and mine. But, as you know this is just a part of being a part of mankind. We mistreat one another and oftentimes go over the edge. There may be someone out there who thinks I did them wrong. I wouldn’t know because I’m not currently seeking forgiveness from any (wo)man even if I should be. There’s a thought to ponder. The people you hate may not even know you hate them, so forgiving that person would set both of you free. When you forgive you can convert the energy you used holding the grudge to a positive force to be used on yourself or others.
In my case I have this you’re-dead-to-me hate. If I never saw this person again I would be well satisfied. They will never get the opportunity to make it right because I’m not interested in that. I will never trust them again, ever and wouldn’t cry if they died. Now that I’ve clarified my position, let’s see what the scriptures say about all this. Because as you can see, I’m in need of a word.
Mark 11:25 (amp) And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and[a]let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop.
Now of course this is the scripture that concerns me the most. I do not want to prevent myself from being forgiven by not forgiving someone. I usually tell people, you can hold a grudge as long as you want, but don’t be going around wearing “I’m Forgiven” signs. God won’t rush you into forgiveness but just know where you stand until you do. It enrages me that in a way I could be giving the person I hate this amount of power over me. Seems ridiculous right? I’ve been done wrong before, and because that person never sought to communicate with me again they were easier to forgive. It was like that was their gift to me. But this person may be struggling with guilt and feels they can do something to undo the pain that they caused. I don’t know and I don’t care. I know the bible is on my side when I read Psalms 118:8 (msg):
Pushed to the wall, I called to God;
from the wide open spaces, he answered.
God’s now at my side and I’m not afraid;
who would dare lay a hand on me?
God’s my strong champion;
I flick off my enemies like flies.
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in people;
Far better to take refuge in God
than trust in celebrities.
Hemmed in by barbarians,
in God’s name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Hemmed in and with no way out,
in God’s name I rubbed their faces in the dirt;
Like swarming bees, like wild prairie fire, they hemmed me in;
in God’s name I rubbed their faces in the dirt.
I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall,
when God grabbed and held me.
God’s my strength, he’s also my song,
and now he’s my salvation.
Hear the shouts, hear the triumph songs
in the camp of the saved?
“The hand of God has turned the tide!
The hand of God is raised in victory!
The hand of God has turned the tide!”
This is not unlike how I was feeling when the offense was being committed against me in the first place. I don’t trust the person now and I never will again in the future so why do we need to talk, so I can rub your face in the dirt? What was taken away from me when you were in my circle God has restored. The only time I’m re angered is when the idiot reaches out!
But I have to ask, if it’s okay to enjoy so much victory in the demise of this barbarian how and why do I forgive at the same time? I feel like Jean Grey of the X-Men. For you poor souls who don’t follow comic book characters, Jean Grey is a sort of super telepath. Most of the time her powers are under control, but when her back is really against the wall she turns into the Phoenix, who’s powers she really can’t control all that well. Well, one day she lost control completely and it didn’t end well at all. I can’t let this idiot turn me into the Phoenix whenever I hear their name. The power of the Phoenix is an awesome deadly power I’d rather not ever see. But I guess, just like Jean Grey, I have to learn how to keep this part of me in check. I still have to learn to forgive.
Making It Write! For All Our Sakes. 